Ponderings
4. Self-Love & Care
“I resisted it, because in my mind, I was admitting I had a problem. I was an alcoholic. An addict.”
Self-Love & Care

I tend to live my life in extremes. 

I’m either all in or all out.
Nothing in between. 

In my 20’s, I was all in on my corporate jobs.
The horse blinders were glued on.
I didn’t even have the energy to plan personal vacations.
Basically, I was a slave to “the man” [outdated term, I know]. 

A typical day looked like this…

  • Wake up hungover
  • Take some Adderall to muster up motivation
  • Pound a latte for an extra kick
  • Force myself to work out as punishment for drinking
  • Take back-to-back Zoom calls
  • Hold my pee until my bladder was about to burst
  • Eat a Clif Bar at my desk for lunch
  • Respond to hundreds of Slack messages
  • Manage 100-150 emails a day
  • Work on all my action items after hours
  • Or, go to a work happy hour
  • Smoke my e-cigarette
  • Figure out a way home
  • Take some Xanax, wash it down with NyQuil, & pass out
  • Wake up and do it all over again

Healthy, right?

On May 31, 2019, I finally said Fuck It to Corporate America and quit.
This kicked off my self-love and care journey.
Which was completely foreign to me.
But, I knew I wouldn’t make it to see 60 if I didn’t make some serious changes.

My progression felt painfully slow at times.
I had to unlearn a lot of old habits.
I had to be courageous enough to try new things.
I had to accept that I didn’t need to be productive every second of every day.

After years of work, here are some of the new habits I’ve incorporated into my life…

  • Unheated & heated yoga
  • Me time | being alone without being lonely
  • Occasional meditation
  • Transformational breathwork
  • Unclenching my jaw
  • Releasing my tongue from the roof of my mouth
  • A daily gratitude journal [May 2019]
  • Making sleep my #1 priority
  • Getting off all sleep aids, except Sleepy Time Tea
  • Teaching myself how to fall asleep
  • Nailing down my sleep routine, accessories, & environment
  • Getting sober [June 2020]
  • Kicking my Trident Tropical Twist gum addiction [July 2021]
  • Quitting all recreational drugs [January 2020]
  • Treating my body like a temple
  • Working out consistently
  • Meeting myself where I’m at
  • Listening to my body
  • Weaving in more massages
  • Embracing JOMO [joy of missing out] vs. FOMO [fear of missing out]
  • Limiting my time on social media [on and off]

I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.
But, I still have a lot of work to do.
Because, I still push myself way too hard at times. 

Just because I quit my job didn’t mean I had infinite free time.
I decided to travel around the world.
And, that’s no small feat.
Traveling is a ton of work and never ending logistics.
Especially since I’m a maximizer.
I have to see everything!
I guess I haven’t conquered FOMO when it comes to traveling.

If I did this road trip a year ago…
I would’ve been battling massive hangovers on top of everything else.
Yuck! No thank you.

In June 2020, after celebrating Father’s Day, I decided enough was enough.
I was sick of feeling like shit and beating myself up about it.
Two glasses of wine equaled a 2+ day hangover and brain fog like you wouldn’t believe.
And, the negative self-talk was real.

So, I started my sobriety journey.
Honestly, it was a long time coming.
I was already taking off more time in between drinking naturally.

Truthfully, I figured my sobriety would be short lived.
I hadn’t gone more than 5 days without drinking since I was 15 years old. 

30 days in, I finally downloaded the “I Am Sober” app to track my days.
Trying to count them on the calendar was proving difficult.
I resisted it, because in my mind, I was admitting I had a problem.
I was an alcoholic.
An addict.

I’m glad I didn’t let my ego get the best of me.
Honestly, the app was a blessing in disguise.
It ended up being my accountability partner.
Plus, the natural competitor in me wanted to crush the next milestone.
My boyfriend and best friend helped me through the nights when I wanted to cave.
Plus, resetting that lil counter felt like a death sentence. 

Today I’m ~4 months into my sobriety journey, and I couldn’t be happier.
The amount I’ve learned is staggering.

First and foremost,
I possessed the strength to actually do it!

Drinking seeped into every single daily activity.
Happy hours, dinners, pool days, friends’ houses, and family functions.

I was convinced my time and enjoyment would be diminished without alcohol.
But, it’s been quite the opposite for me. 

It was initially…
But, after I got over the hump, my enjoyment level actually improved. 

I get to have intelligent conversations, not be tempted to order another glass of wine or vodka soda, remember everything that happened, go home at a reasonable hour, not be nervous while driving home in Arizona [0 tolerance state], save tons of money, and get a good night’s sleep.

I’m not going to lie…I miss it at times.
100% of my favorite memories involve drinking.

And, if there were 0 negative side effects [hangovers, bad decisions, shame, feeling like shit, throwing up, blacking out, brain fog, negative self-talk, being unproductive] I’d be ordering my next vodka soda with two limes right now.

But, drinking has only negative side effects for me, so I’ll stick with my Topo Chico.
I used to associate alcohol with fun. And, then pain.
These days, I skip the fun part and go straight to the pain.   

After I figured out how to master my mindset, not give into temptation, and surround myself with the right support system I realized I was stronger than I expected.

I’m the master of my own destiny.
No one else.
My life consists of hundreds of little habits that I can unlearn, learn, and reinforce. 

It’s crazy, but my definition of fun has completely changed and evolved.
I’m determined to replace my fave drunk memories with even better sober memories.
And, I can’t wait to embark on this journey with the new me.

No more poisoning my body with alcohol.
No more brownouts [memories in fragmented clips] for this lil lady. 

I’d rather be addicted to endorphins and experiences!
There’s way too much I need to see and do before I die.
And, I refuse to waste another minute of it drunk, hungover, or unproductive.
This woman is staying sober, safe, sane, & focused on her trip around the world.

I want to raise my vibration and frequency as a human being.
I want to stop wasting the time I have left on low-vibe activities.
Are you with me?

What’s your current Self-Love & Care score?
What areas do you want to improve on most?
Drop a comment below.

Check out my diary post on 5. Patience.

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